hate me? then PISS OFF.

hi everyone. i guess you guys came here only for one reason, regarding cross country. anyway I've been officially kicked out out of VJC kayak. i didn't make the target of top 50. i got 53.

2 weeks ago i spoke of achieving sth impossible, shaving 2 mins off my 4.8 timing in 2 weeks. 2 weeks later i have done the impossible of shaving almost 1min 50 secs off my 4.8 timing. i have done myself proud of getting 53. sth i never thought would have happened, but clinged on to that hope so desperately. it was sth i wanted very badly, sth i worked my balls of for. i never thought that i would have made it so close ot the target, but i did and it hurts me when i think of all the training i'd been doing for the sake of cross and now its just gone. all i thought of for the past fortnight was running, running, more running. i've never been this focused in my life about running and now that i missed the mark by 3 positions i'm getting kicked.

i'm not good enough for them i guess. they're too good. wow.

its not Mr Teo's fault. in fact i dun blame him at all. its my own bloody fault for missing the mark by say, 10 secs? you know how fucking short 10 secs is? and i missed it. all the hardwork and time, does it count for nothing to the captains? have they not seen how much i have pushed myself to hit this target? even if you didn't see, I'm sure the other guys did. maybe you don't care. so does it matter at all that i have put in all that effort. i;ve said before, winning isnt everything, but wanting to is. al that bullshit fighting spirit talk, have i not shown enough? if you think im doing this just to "SHOW YOU MY FIGHTING SPIRIT" THEN screw YOU. this was for myself. recognize it or not i don't give a fuck already. cos other people recognize this.

so this is the end of me as a vjc kayaker. it ends here. When you have a passion for a certain sport, you can't help but breakdown and cry when someone stops your dreams here and now immediately. "You're not good enough." is the message sent, clear as crystal. just when i was getting momentum, starting to pick up, pick up and go faster, not just metaphorically but literally as well, I'm fucking kicked. who knows. maybe I'm starting to peak. but noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, this is not important. none of the factors are, except that i didn't get into top 50. MOST IMPORTANTLY JUNKIA DID NOT HIT TOP 50 AND THUS CAPTAINS MUST BE FIRM. THUS BYEBYE JUNKIA.

I'm kinda depressed. no actually I'm fucking depressed. and angry. angry over myself, angry over the captains for their decision. but i guess its not entirely their fault. firstly captains, i respect your decision. and i shall not say anything about it anymore since its already over and you guys just wanna be "firm". sarcastic as this might sound i mean it without any sarcasm. secondly I'm damn angry over getting 53. why didn't i go faster. i know i didn't run my best yet. my legs were weak at the start but i don't know why. i could have gone faster. aiyah fuck lah its over i cant do anything its a lost dream that cant be brought back by thinking about it nor can i do anything with my actions to bring myself back in. im no longer a kayaker.

bye vjc kayaking. it was great knowing you guys. well most of you.

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happy chinese new year! i dunno what else to blog about. so. happy chinese new year!

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im delighted! today's training was a very good one. i shall not divulge details though, i don't think im allowed too. but im delighted and thats that. HA. HAHA. still im still some wasy off from attaining top 50.

i want it. so bad.

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haha VJ life has been quite fun recently. without thinking of the top 50 thing that is. things are going well in class, im MUGGING, i feel good about that, had team bonding training today which was captain's ball, and everything is just going well! there's lot of entertainment during lessons cos of some ppl im messaging. haha im attentive lah but i still msg in between lessons. and gossiping and listening to the other person bitch about other ppl. a lot of stuff lah! either way im in a good mood.

but i think of the top 50 thing i sian alr. firstly the timing is AROUND <20 to be top 50. i stil need to shave 2 fucking mins. in 2 weeks. anyone with brains will tell you that its impossible. AND, im suffering from a strained ankle. cannot run. WELL DONE. what if i get kicked out of kayak? what to do? join sth else? too late alr what. then just study lor. face put where?

winning isnt everything, but wanting to win is.

and i want to win. but what if i can't? then it counts for nothing? i just dun understand why mr teo places such a big emphasis on running. those who can't run are stronger in other areas. those who can run are weaker in other areas. its give or take. kelvin is one of the fastes in water, and our timings on land are comparable. is he gonna get kicked out just cos he can't run into top 50? thats quite dumb isnt it. ACJC's fastest rower on the K1 is slowest on land. but he'll win the competition since he's fastest in water. if he was kicked out cos he was slowest on land, it wouldnt make sense. would it? you tell me.

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